Still Around
by supernaturalsammy67
Summary: Go ahead and burn it down. Sam doesn't care anymore. Season 1. Dark.
1. Chapter 1

**I seem to be writing dark latley, and this little mitten popped out too...so...I thought, hey why not keep the dark feeling? All the top rated songs on my (old) Ipod seem to be ...deep and more meaningful than 'yo, at the shizzle...dem bitches and dem ho's' so...sorry I'm not loving those beaut songs :/ I like this song tho...nomnom 3OH3!**

**I may be a teen, but my god my brain and my mouth are not!**

**Summary: Sam doesn't care anymore. Go ahead and burn it down. Season 1.**

**Warning: language, mope...brood...ah...Oh, it's nice...but it gets dark- warning yeah?**

**Disclaimer: I don't even own a car yet! How am I supposed to take them places? Please...get a grip! Congrats on the marriage btw laddo! They both look fucking stunning! I cried...haha**

**This song really fits, and their voices and the timbre...really fit too. Have a listen.**

**Still Around-3OH!3**

_Go ahead and burn it down_

"Sam?"

A hand reached out, _wanting, helping_ but he shrugged it off.

"Sam, get in the car for me?...yeah?" It's safe, a soft voice asking.

One more, _last, _look to the still burning flames. Everything and it's just gone.

Sam swallows the lump, gets in the car and shuts his eyes. He doesn't want to open them, doesn't want to know what he'll see.

_I'm drunk and so is everyone else _

_In this devil town _

_They won't let me turn around_

"Maybe, ya know...you should get up today. I mean the...the funeral is...ugh" Dean flops, because what can he say, the kids lost his life. His brand _new _life, he _loved. _

"I know" Sam says. It's weak and he knows it is. "I'll go..."

But he doesn't. Not until all her family and friends have gone, and there's no more tears to watch fall.

Dean's keeping his distance, but Sam can seen the figure in the jacket at the cemetary gates and he can't let his emotions out. Can't feel _anything _right now.

_To get one last look at my baby _

_While she's still around _

_While she's still around _

_While she's still around_

_While she's still around_

Sam has a bizarre urge to dig it up, to see _her _one last time because he _just _saw her like yesterday, except it's gone nearly a week now and Sam hasn't changed clothes, he can still see her wearing his brown hoodie, how she said it was soft, it was warm on her.

Sam remembers a book she was reading, 'Wuthering Heights' and about this guy who loved someone so much he wanted to be with her, even if that meant death and Sam starts to think, maybe she's waiting for him, maybe she's happy there...safe.

A hand grazes his shoulder again and he's pulled, pushed into the black shining car and being told it's okay, don't you worry Sammy. It's gonna' get better, yeah?

_Go ahead and build it up again_

_This city's just cemeteries and forgotten men_

_My only hope's to see you _

_And even if I never do _

He's seeing her, burnt, literally on the back of his eyelids, in the rearview and he even saw her at a convienience store in Hope. But she wasn't, not really.

He did see her smile one more time though and it made his stomach tighten and his breath stutter just like the first time he saw her.

_While she's still around _

_While she's still around _

_While she's still around _

_While she's still around _

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been kinda spaced out recently..."

Sam's nodding, seeing her white dress billowing outside in a soft breeze, he's smiling.

"Y-yeah...never been better"

Dean frowns, looks the way Sam's eyes are hyptnotised and he sees nothing.

_And I know what your thinking, But that won't stop this drinking, _

_It's the least I can do _

_Cause this life _

_Is anything but certain _

_When they close the final curtain _

_You'll get a glimpse of the truth _

This time, Dean's out getting dinner, picking up a waitress and probably another date when Sam sees her.

His eyes are bleary and his breathings a little raggid, but my _god _is she beautiful, and he can _smell _her again but he won't shut his ey_es_ and he definitley won't let this moment get away, not this time.

_Why do you look so sad Sam?...I'm right here_

_Cause you're still around _

_Well she's still around _

_Well she's still around_

_Well she's still around_

When Dean opens the motel door, he's smiling...and that suddenly changes when he sees his baby brother, eyes open and staring glassy, his hands limp at his sides and his legs stretched out in front of him.

"Sam?!" The food bags hit the floor and Dean skidded on his knees to Sam. "SAM!"

_Go ahead and burn it down_

_I'm drunk and so is everyone else _

_In this devil town_

Sam's lip quirks as he stares right through Dean, who's panicked and screaming and asking,

"How much Sam?....How many did you take?!"

He's smiling because she's right there, smiling too, reaching out with her hands and nodding for him to follow.

He's smiling because after so many times of trying, he's seeing her again and this time it isn't fading away, not swirling away like dust and Dean just walks through it.

Something rattles as Sam's moved and the nearly empty pill bottles roll, and Dean's screaming almost as if in slow motion, his green eyes tearing but all Sam can do is smell sweet vanilla and see bright blonde curls.

"SAM!"

**End.**

**Ta-dah! :) Because I'm evil and I actually went there, like yeah...**

**Btw, has anyone seen the trailer for 'The Legions' with Adrianne Palicki! :) Go Supernatural's Jessica for scoring a lead role :) **


	2. Slow Motion

**Okay, this is the next e, due to popular demand although you can leave the first as a stand alone, but Yeah...I was mean, I need to fix our Sammy.**

**Again, warning for language maybe...dark themes **

**Summary for this chapter anyway: Saving Sam. :) For Joey and Karen and Spela x ;)**

**Disclaimer: Yah yah. Read chapter one mate.**

**To the song (or parts) Slow Motion by Panic At The Disco because sung live- this song is still as powerful and amazing. And most of it, fits. The song inspired this anyway so...I've included the lyrics, I want it to be the violence and the bittersweetness of the lyrics compared to the fic- they don't fit, metephorically anyway.**

**Here ya go.**

_Miss Jones taught me English  
But I think I just shot her son  
'Cause he owed me money  
With a bullet in the chest you cannot run  
Now he's bleeding in a vacant lot  
The one in the summer where we used to smoke pot  
I guess I didn't mean it  
But man, you shoulda seen it_

"SAM!"

!

Fists pounded and tore at Sam's chest, laid flat and with a weakening pulse, Dean didn't care damn niceties when it came to life and death.

A quick punch, a thunk on Sam's chest has his little brother coughing, only once or twice and he falls back, eyes going half mast and dropping, his breathing slowing and he's not responding, he's losing it...he's losing Sam.

"SAM!" Desperate tears are burning hot and spilling over Dean's cheeks, but he won't stop to wipe them, even if his vison of Sam is blurred, the kids laying there, smiling...and Dean tells himself Sam didn't just part his lips, didn't just say what he thought he said.

"Sam...please"

"....J'ss..."__

His flesh explode  
Slow motion see me let go  
We tend to die young  
Slow motion see me let go  
What a brother knows  
Slow motion see me let go

He knows something's happend. Something, good or bad- that he doesn't know. But normally these dreams have worn off by now and he's left with a loss, more than before because it's igniting that fire that starts to spread all over and he needs the release.

He thinks, maybe he's awake, but he doesn't know and he can't move anything so maybe things got bad this time, maybe-

"Please...Sam, you've gotta pull back...I can't...I just...c'mon..._please _Sammy..."

There. _Right _there. He felt something, almost like a twinge, it's pain...it's uncomfortable but there's a warmth to it, and Sam's so cold he moved, he pushes and goes to find it. Anything but the dark loneliness where he can't find _her._

"Sam..." He heard that, it's louder...it's so hurt. What is that? "You _have _to come back..."

Dean?__

Now the cops will get me  
But girl, if you would let me  
I'll take your pants off  
I got a little bit of blow we could both get off  
Later bathing in the afterglow  
Two lines of coke I cut with Draino  
And her nose starts to bleed  


"Yeah, I know. Look, you don't know what kind of stress he's been under I mean, _I _thought he was fine, but...it's only been over a week since he lost his girlfriend, just let me talk to him, you don't have to restrain him...this was _not _like him at all. Please...let me do this"

The doc nodded, a glint in her eye suggested she knew exactly what Dean was talking about and she smiled sadly. "When he wakes up, talk to him. We'll take the restraints off"

Softening green eyes blinked back at her. "Thank you, really. Thank you"

The door closed with a soft whoosh, the machines beeped, and Dean watched with new eyes as his Sam slept, it wasn't a coma they'd said, it wasn't. He wasn't going to die- he wasn't.

Sore eyes blinked and the monitor blipped, Sam hadn't moved, hadn't said anything apart from her name when he lost consciousness and Dean had to restraint himself from imploding then, when he saw Sam's eyes close.

The pills had shut his system down, not done any major damage but they weren't giving him any more drugs, suicide watch and all that, Dean had been panicked enough without coming up with a cover.

_  
A most beautiful ruby red  
Slow motion see me let go  
We'll remember these days  
Slow motion see me let go  
Urban life decays  
Slow motion see me let go  
And at home _

Blurred, marred walls, all strikingly stark white. He blinked at the brightness and turned his head, his throat tightened as he saw a figure watching him and he couldn't look at the hurt and despair he saw directed at him, the question he shouldn't be laid there hearing, shouldn't be there at all.

Dean's mouth opened and Sam darted his eyes away, the corner, the door, the window, the...she wasn't anywhere, she wasn't floating or beautiful like she'd always been.

"Sam" Dean voiced, uncertain. He didn't need to say anymore.

The breath from Sam's lungs shuddered, and he stared off, into the white white walls, his wrists tugged as he felt the straps holding him in, _keeping _him there and the consequences of his descision set in.__

My sister's eating paint chips again  
Maybe that's why she's insane  
I shut the door to her moaning  
And I shoot smack in my veins  
Wouldn't you?  
See my neighbor's beating his wife  
Because he hates his life  
There's an arc to his fist as he swings  
Oh man, what a beautiful thing

Finally, the straps had gone, Dean had said something or done something and the nurses came in and let him go. He didn't sit up, didn't make a move to leave, but he was glad he wasn't trapped anymore.

Two days. They'd kept him and watched him and Sam hadn't even noticed, Dean had though, watching his brother through someone elses eyes, watching something break in Sam and not even seeing the peice fall off.

"Sam"

Sam fingered the frayed cotton on his bed, oblivious.

Dean sighed audiably.

"I know you miss her" he said softly.

Sam's fingered stopped as if the life source had been cut off and his eyes stayed down, some bangs hiding them partially from Dean's view.

Sam stayed silent, and Dean thought he wasn't being heard when a small voice he hadn't heard sound so young in years spoke and Dean had to swallow.

"She was right there..." Sam whispered. His eyes glittering in the low light. His hand subconciously closed, as if he was gripping something.

"I know" It was all he had to say. Dean's hand reached out and his thumb stroked over Sam's. "I know kiddo'"  
__

And death slides close to me  
Won't grow old to be  
A junkie wino creep  


Dean didn't go back to the motel, he grabbed the stuff they needed and left the rest, any clothes or weapons, He could buy new ones.

He didn't want the repeat memories, he had enough in his head for a whole year of nightmares he was sure would claw their way up.

Over the next few days, Sam was more open, less staring out the rainy window, but he wasn't himself, not even close and Dean hadn't even started on the ass kicking that kid needed for even trying what he did.

_  
Hollywood glamorized my wrath  
I'm a young urban psychopath  
I incite murder for your entertainment  
'Cause I needed the money  
What's your excuse?  
The joke's on you _

"It's a spirit...going after people who have a secret where someone died"

"How do we draw it out?...burn the shop down? We can break every mirror"

Sam was quiet.

"Me"

Dean spun on his heels, frowning. "Wh-" 

"Me. Use me as bait. I'll draw it out, she'll come after me" Sam stared down, eyes unseeing with guilt heavy on his shoulders.

Dean stopped, anger rising steeply, his hand rubbed over his mouth as he shook his head.

"Alright, you know what..."

Dean grabbed Sam by the shoulders, spinning him roughly before Sam's back slammed into the tacky wallpaper.

"What did you say? Huh Sam? Run that by me again" Dean said angrily.

"She'll c-come after me..." Sam looked through him, his eyes glazed and unseeing.

Dean shrank back, eyebrows knitted. "It was NOT your fault, do you understand me, this was not your fault...you think this is your guilt? Your dirty little secret? Get a grip...Sam!"

"I can be bait" Sam breathed.

"Do you have any idea what you did?...what you _tried _to do to yourself? Huh Sam!?"

Sam didn't move.

"You tried to _kill y_ourself! Do you remember that?...You overdosed on sleeping pills and I found you..._barely _alive"

Teary eyes locked on Dean. "She-"

"No, no Sam, Jess is gone!...she is! She's gone, I'm sorry...It's hard, you have to deal with this, I don't care how you do it, but you _have _to _deal _with it. This is killing you...I should kick your ass for even thinking about what you did, but I thought this is Sam, he'll get better because you were not yourself. And now...I don't know..."

Dean fisted his hands and shrugged them, grunting loudly.

Sam's eyes stared holes in the carpet.

"Sam , look at me! Look at me, your brother for Christ's sake! What happened to you...I almost most you...Sammy..."

There. Again, that twinge, Sam felt it, and he hadn't felt that since he'd been seeing Jess. It felt...warm...alive.

"Sammy...look at me..."

"I couldn't...I miss her...so much...I can-"

"NO! You can! You have problems you talk to me! You tell your big brother! You don't kill yourself! I'm supposed to protect you! And you go and do something like that, and I didn't know it had got that bad...I didn't see Sammy..."

Dean pulled away, both brothers breathing heavy.

Sam looked away, withdrawn again and Dean thought he really couldn't get through to him this time. And then Sam spoke...with an uneasy shaking voice.

"She was everywhere...everywhere I looked, she was so happy and she was...smiling at me, reaching out...I thought if I went with her, I'd be happy again..."

Dean watched silently, seeing Sam's turmoil finally surface.

"I almost lost you" Dean whispered.

"I didn't mean to...I just" Sam swallowed. "I just wanted to see her again"

Dean nodded, tears in both their eyes.

__

Slow motion see me let go  
Oh yeah  
Slow motion see me let go  
Slow motion see me let go  
"I'm sorry..."

The bed creaked as the brothers sat.

"Sam...tell me about her" He met Sam's eyes and connected, Sam was finally _seeing _him, listening...finally letting go to move on.

**Well that had a mind of it's own.**

**I don't know where it went but...that's what it decided on. Sorry for the let down loves, felt that went like...well...a bag of wank, pretty shite chapter...I felt it lost some of the power, but ah well. It won't let me change it now. Damn stubborn muse!**

**:) Thanks**


End file.
